She’s an icon. A tastemaker. A legend. She is Smellygirl99, and thanks to her + our proud sponsors at Jojo Siwa Cosmetics™, only yours truly has her EXCLUSIVE list of hot summer tips!!
You say you don’t know Smellygirl99? How absolutely tragic. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone how hopelessly out of touch you are! Smellygirl99 is the influencers’ influencer. My research indicates that all of your favorite artists have been directly impacted by Smellygirl99’s powerful mind, whether they know it or not.
Unlike you mere mortals, with your disgusting, corporeal bodies, Smellygirl99 is a purely online entity. She communicates with the physical world only when she sees fit. Smellygirl99’s mind is a vast cultural repository. She knows every reference ever, and decides which moments are relevant and which ones are out. Witty, irreverent, and brimming with excellent taste: this is the Smellygirl99 brand.
Smellygirl99 almost never gives interviews. She’s not even that big of a fan of people being aware that she exists. She’s been known through the ages by a number of names. Maybe you know her and maybe you don’t. It’s possible you don’t know that you know her, or perhaps you think you know her but you don’t really know at all!
In any event, Smellygirl99’s virtual fingerprints are all over the present moment. When pressed during this **EXCLUSIVE** interview for Ersa Magazine for her song of the summer prediction, Smellygirl99 thought about it for a minute before replying, “it’s either gotta be Chocolate or Obsession by Kylie Minogue. Obviously old ass songs! But also Get Sexy by Sugababes!” What did I tell you? The girl’s got TASTE.
The ultimate internet enigma, Smellygirl99 was so utterly gracious to share her hot summer tips with our readers. I don’t really understand how I managed to be blessed with such unprecedented access, so don’t bother to ask me to put you in touch–and trust me, you’ll be dying for more more more Smellygirl99 after you read this!
SMELLYGIRL99’s HOT SUMMER TIPS PRESENTED BY ☆JOJO SIWA COSMETICS!☆
Tip #1 Stay away from active war zones (if you can!)
Tip #2 Decommissioned nuclear cooling chambers are great for pool parties! And you might catch a gamma ray tan (Lasts a lot longer than a regular tan!)
Tip #3 Practice lockpicking it’s so sexy and hot!!
Tip #4 Eat a sandwich it’s SO good for you!
Editor’s Note: I nearly removed this nightmare juice photo but then I read #10 of this list.
Tip #5 Don’t join ISIS, It’s not worth it!
Tip #6 Hotwire a plane!
Tip #7 Celebrate the fall of communism with your friends!
Tip #8 Ditch caffeine! It’s bad for you (anxiety!!) if you’re ever feeling down and need a little pick me up, lick a battery!
Tip #9 Don’t be a drag, just be queen!
Tip #10 Last but not least, we live in a simulation so don’t worry..be happy 🙂
Bunny Morgana is Ersa Magazine’s roving pop oracle and a senior research fellow at the Pop Institute
Smellygirl99 is the self-proclaimed Queen of the basement scene.
Together, they are unstoppable?
